Finding Your WayThe fourth trimester,in Germany

The fourth trimester is the first twelve weeks after your baby is born. The idea behind the name is a gentle one: human babies are born early, before they are quite ready for the world, and for those first three months they still need what they had inside you. Warmth, cuddles, a great deal of love, and to be held close.

This is what mine was like after Effie was born. She is my second daughter and was my first baby born in Germany, and she came quickly, twenty minutes after we arrived at the delivery suite. I was in shock afterwards, and that shock stayed with me for weeks. Bonding with her came slowly, over months.

What surprised me most in those early weeks was how much recovery my body would need, and how the days turned into weeks.

The world doesn't stop turning

The postpartum (Wochenbett) here is six weeks, a time set aside for rest. But the world doesn't stop turning for it. The paperwork keeps coming, and the appointments still need to be made and kept, with the baby. Leaving the house felt like a big thing in those weeks, with Effie tucked into the carrier or the car seat.

I was lucky that my husband looked after most of the paperwork. Still, I had absolutely no idea what any of it was. They were words on a page that meant nothing to me, and I so wanted to understand them and to feel informed.

I have written all of it down since, so that you can read it before it reaches you: benefits and entitlements for the leave and the payments, registering your baby for the birth certificate, the well-baby checks for your baby's appointments, and the Wochenbettfor your own recovery and your midwife's visits.

What helped

What helped was my mother and my midwife (Hebamme). My midwife came to the house every day for twelve days. Each time she weighed Effie, looked at how feeding was going, checked how I was healing, and asked me how I was. My mother came for two weeks. She made soups and warm drinks and kept the house going, so that I could stay with the baby.

My neighbours were lovely too, popping in with cooked meals, flowers and little gifts for the baby. I often think about the families who don't have that kind of support around them in the first weeks.

Forty days

Those forty days were slow, and at times boring and monotonous, exhausting and tiring. They were also joyful and peaceful. Effie needed warmth and cuddles and to be held, and for those weeks that was most of what I did.

What I remember most is the calm in the house. A home with a newborn in it is a beautiful thing. The light came hazy through the windows, and there was so much love, and oxytocin, as we found the rhythm of the days and nights, as I learned to nurse her and we learned each other. It was such a beautiful time for me, even through the exhaustion.

What I would plan for

I wouldn't change how it was for me. But I recognise now how much care the weeks after that need, once everyone has gone home. When my family had left and my husband was back at work, the days slipped into a rhythm and I was on my own with Effie, and making myself a meal, or even a cup of tea, felt exhausting.

Being the main carer for a tiny newborn was the biggest challenge of all. However involved my husband was, I felt some resentment that most of the caring fell to me.

So these are the things I would think about before the birth now: who will make the meals, who can come by during the day, and what can wait until later.

That planning is what the 40 Day Recovery Plan is for. Over two sessions, in pregnancy or after the birth, we put together a written plan for your own first forty days: your recovery, feeding, meals, and the people and services near you who can help. Once your baby is born I check in with you as you begin.

If you would like to talk any of this through first, you are welcome to write to me.